Honest Fostering moment here and this is a judgement free zone, by the way. Thanks.

I’ve been wanting to post an update for weeks now, but so much is going on and my heart is stretched. It’s hard to wrap my mind around what reality looks like for us. We are beyond exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Trying to find our new normal the past 11 weeks has been completely impossible. If I were to sit and tell you whats going on around here, I wouldn’t have enough time and you wouldn’t believe me anyway. Being a mom of 4 is a lot. But being mom to 4 children that are 3 and under is even more. My biological kiddos are amazing and so are the twins, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Between the drama that happens behind the scene with our foster kids, to being everything I need to be for all of them, has weighted me down and stretched us beyond our limits. I never would have thought ten years ago that I would be fostering children. As I look those little loves in the face, my soul hangs on Gods promises.

We found out quickly why foster support systems in place are so necessary. We know we serve a God that is bigger than the trials and mountains that are before us and have to trust that God isn’t going to call us to do something for us just to fail. We are living out our purpose even though it’s not the popular thing to do. We have seen first hand how real the enemy is. I completely believe that he hates that his stronghold on foster care is being loosened. The enemy hates what we are doing and God always gives us enough Grace to start each new day!

The hardest thing I’ve encountered the last few weeks is the amount of GRACE I have had to extend. Y’all. It’s hard. Hearing details of the girls’ past. Listening to stories. Accusations against myself. Sitting in court. Legal jumbo mumbo. Even after my heart has had all it could take, I still pray for restoration… even at the sake of broken heart. I look these people in their faces and want nothing more for them to be satisfied in Jesus. I would be lying if I told you this has been easy. I’d also be lying if I told you that it hasn’t been extremely hard. I have not loved every second of this journey. But I have been called to take care of the orphan in this way and we are leaning into Jesus.

And just being real for a moment, the hardest part has been falling in love with two children I did not birth. Had someone told me I would not immediately the love the children that were brought to us, I wouldn’t have believed you. It’s easy to love the unlovable, right? It’s been the toughest and most selfish hurdle for us to jump. I didn’t carry these twins inside my belly and I didn’t have 9 full months to dream of life with them and what they would look like. They weren’t planned. They were dropped off due to circumstances, and we have loved them with all we are as if they are our own. But it’s taken many weeks to fall in love with them… which I wasn’t sure I wanted to because everyone says “I couldn’t do what you do because I would not want to get attached” but in the hardest of days, we praise Him. We are blessed to have these two perfect, gorgeous babies.

In saying all this, we hit a breaking point last week. The stress and busyness of the holidays, along with sick kids, no sleep and no escape, we needed help. We have had a hard time falling into a new schedule and new normal. And it was just time to take some time to step back, refresh and refuel. God always shows up right on time and never a minute late and we were so thankful. He’s always faithful in the details and though I can’t share them all on social media, we are grateful for those who are walking out this journey with us and alongside us. Those people that pick us up when we are down. That remind us of our purpose and why we are doing this… because God will make all things beautiful.

God’s plan for us isn’t always easy. But it’s perfect. It’s sometimes messy. Not necessarily what we had in mind. It stretches us. Molds us. This journey, by far, has been the hardest and yet most rewarding thing we have ever done. I’m grateful that it is extremely hard because it makes us lean into Jesus more and more. Theres just no other way. And we couldn’t do it if it were not so rewarding. These two babies we have the privilege of loving to death, the people we have met and those of you who are on this journey with us as we do what God has called us to do in taking care of the orphan makes it worth it. God loves these sweet girls just as He loves me and my own babies. He laid down His life, took on our shame for us to never be the same. I pray this journey keeps us humble, honest and forever changed.

I learned a few things rather quickly over the last few weeks. There is so much beauty in the broken; it can’t be overlooked, its messy, the rawness of real people’s lives is hard sometimes and its emotional. Let me never disguise foster care as easy.

We got a phone call 11 days ago asking if we would take in two infant twins. My immediate response was YES! My hearts response was how fast can you get them here for us to love! But my brain was thinking can you realistically handle 4 kids under the age of 3? After Cliff and I talked through it, we said yes. This is what we are called to do and God has a plan here. So Tuesday morning we all woke up excited to see what the day was going to bring but we also experienced how bad the enemy didn’t want this to happen. Let me say, it’s not like bringing your own child from the hospital when the agency shows up with someone else’s (typically) unloved children. We didn’t have 9 months to dream about and fall in love with these two foster children. This has been a struggle for me. We love them as though they are our own, but it’s a different type of love and a struggle… but you don’t know if they’ll be here tomorrow. (Another blog for another day.)

The girls have adjusted so easy, eating great and have slept almost through the night. They honestly are perfect babies. Elijah and Emersyn are loving them being here and excited to see them after they have been away. Even though they have no idea why they have two little sisters, or their situation, they love them endlessly. Don’t you wish we could all love through a toddlers filter?!

As I was driving to the courthouse last week for our first hearing for the kids, all I could think about is how I would feel if someone took my children away. I was thinking through all the things I wanted to say to this Momma and how to maybe encourage her and reassure her that we are FOR her, praying for her, and how temporary this is. After sitting through the court session (which to most people, this is another day at work, another case to hear, another mess to deal with) all I wanted to do is hug Momma. I wanted to hold her and tell her that Jesus can help you. He can save you from this mess. That your girl’s need you. And because of all of this mess, I will go home and love them even harder.

I had no idea we had so many people that loved us. Our people have stepped up, loved us, brought us everything we have needed and more. We have been overwhelmed at the response we have received from everyone, including words of encouragement. It gets us through the hard moments. Fostering isn’t something you hear about in everyday conversation. The statistics are real but aren’t discussed. It’s not a prominent need in the church. Foster parents are stereotyped and I knew that God had called us to be foster parents a few years back but I honestly had no idea what my expectations were coming into this. What I do know? I do know is the ground at the foot of the cross is level. Jesus loves us all, including those who are messy, broken, and overlooked… and nothing we can do will ever change that. God will always go before us to pave the way. He knows tomorrow and I trust in Him so I can fulfill His calling for me today without worry. God’s presence has been so divine in our home the last 11 days, but I also can say that there has never been a time where I have felt and seen the enemy so tangible and real. It gets hard and I have to constantly remind myself of Matthew 11:18, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. For I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your weary souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

If this is God’s idea for Cliff and I to be his hands and feet, we are Yours Lord.

If this is how we are to speak for those who can’t speak for themselves, speak through us Lord!

If this is how you have called us to take care of the orphan, sustain us Lord!

Let us run this race, and run it well…. Let your Kingdom come!

You can’t bring brokenness into a home and not be broken by it. 

We knew this when we first started our paperwork to become foster parents. Exposing ourselves and especially our babies to the unknown and a different normal than they may be use to. We finally finished the process today and began waiting for what God has in store for our family next. They say that foster care changes a child’s life, but I’m sure its equally true, a process through which God will radically transform ours as well. That’s my prayer anyway. There is so much of the gospel in foster care and so little of the church involved. I don’t know why God has given me such a burden for these kids, but I’m thankful and full of emotion. 

My prayer moving forward-

That God’s presence will continue to fill this home.

That  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control be practiced. 

That God’s sovereignty will guide us…and We trust God and will do whatever He has called us to do bravely. 

That fostering will profoundly change our family. People always ask if I’m worried about what this will do to my children… and I want to be worried about the effect if my children don’t experience this. I don’t want to create such a tight environment of safety and control (unintentionally) protecting them from brokenness and hopelessness that is neighboring us. But give them a peak into society because I don’t want them growing up pretending this doesn’t exist. My husband are not perfect at raising kids, but so many kids need to be loved and loved well. Prepare our hearts, dear Jesus. 

Foster care is a beautiful expression of the Gospel. It is potentially a painful side of love, its selfless, spiritually and emotionally hard, and potentially costly for the sake of a child gaining some as you willingly give all. Love. It will always worth it. God has put a calling on our hearts to fully love these children while we have them, and accept the costs we may incur as worth it for the gain they may receive. This is exactly what Jesus did for me. 

Let us have courage to live this out. 

I’ve hesitated to share this journey and where God is taking us in this season… but as I sit around at night reading other people’s journey’s and being encouraged, I can only hope I could do the same for others.

Throughout my single years, after college and before I got married, I spent sometime doing mission work. Overtime I thought to myself- One day I’m either going to move to these places and take care of the orphans or I’m bringing them all home.

Fast forward. I’m married with two BABIES. Elijah is 2.5 and Emerson is 17 months old.

Right after Cliff and I got married we attended an informational meeting about fostering. We both knew then that this is something that God is drawing our hearts to, but the timing just wasn’t right. Having children of my own has ignited part of my heart to love that I never knew was there. Over the last 12 months I have felt God in tender moments just whisper “Don’t miss out on me right now…” and I wasn’t quite sure what He was going to do. Around New Years every year Cliff and I have started writing our goals individually and together. Cliff said over and over he wasn’t ready this year, but I knew God was telling us differently. Even with our littles being so little and the unknowns that are there, God made it so clear to both of us that now is the time.

There’s a longing in my soul and I cannot ignore the fact that we have been given a responsibility as christians to help the orphan. Its not practical for Cliff and I to go on mission trips so God told us to make our home the mission. I’m still trying to swallow all of this and through it all our eyes remain on Jesus.

Last fall we got in touch with Uniting Hope 4 Children (UH4C) which is a faith based nonprofit agency that places foster children. After meeting the staff, and hearing the mission that God has called them to, we knew our story was starting to unfold. We hope you can attend a meeting soon to hear their story and see how you can help.

Some statistics… Would you believe that just in the state of Georgia, nearly 12,000 children are in the foster system. 60% of foster families quit because of lack of support. 90% of the kids that age out of the system end up in child trafficking or prostitution. Foster kids that age out typically put more children back in the system. Can you swallow that? Its hard for me. And where is the church here? I think the church is honestly uneducated with the realness of this issue and how to tanglibly help. My job is to be an advocate… To tell you, so you can tell others. Not everyone should bring children in their home, but we all have been called to take care of the orphan and you can give compassion when you don’t have anything else to give.

He brings light to darkness. He gives HOPE and RESTORES every broken heart. And the good news of the gospel is that no matter who we are, where we have been, or what we have done, God is still so good. God left the comfort of heaven to rescue me and you because He knew we needed saving. He made a way and extended such grace. My heart is to do the same for the children that are in the foster system with the goal of reuniting them to delivered and Christ like parents, pushing them to Jesus when all seems lost. It’s the gospel, tangible, before our eyes.

My life song…

“…And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” -Hebrews 12

“For we have this hope as an anchor for our soul… You are with us and we will never be alone”

Time passes so quickly when you have children. Especially two under two 🙂

2015 was a year for the books. We started off with Miss Emersyn being born, our house flooding the first week of April, moving back into our house in July, and Cliff making a huge job change in October. To say the least, it was a lot. God’s grace is sufficient and has been our joy through it all.

My Easter babies…

Happy Mothers Day…

Here’s a few pictures from spring and summer!

HILTON HEAD ISLAND 2015

Our kids loved the beach this year. A few hiccups in our sleeping situations, but after that was resolved and everyone got some sleep it was so fun with our littles.

This baby started Mother’s Day Out at Wesley United Methodist Church!

Counting our blessings….

THANKSGIVING 2015

BIRTHDAY BOY

December 4th, Elijah turned the big TWO!

A trip to the zoo on our special day and a fun birthday party with all of our friends and family!

Our most favorite time of the year…

CHRISTMAS 2015!

Our little surprise. She wasn’t planned. And I was quite fearful of how in the world I was going to be a Mommy to two little, and I mean LITTLE ones. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it any other way. Is it hard? Extremely. Have I lost my mind? Most days. But I could not love two littles anymore than I do. I wouldn’t have the joy that I do now. So I thank God that His plan was perfect.

After I accepted the fact that I was pregnant AGAIN, after just having a sweet baby a short five months prior, we began preparing for our next bundle of joy. My pregnancy was much different than my first. My back and hips pretty much hurt non stop. I ate anything my fingers touched. Craved red meat but I also did with Elijah and ice cream. Gained too much weight but was within a half pound of the same weight I was when I delivered last time. Rather easy pregnancy to say the least.

As time got closer to my littles arrival, I prayed more and more for her… that she would come naturally, breastfeed like a champ, and to have a healthy, happy, God-fearing baby girl… Cliff always prayed she would have blue eyes 🙂 I was constantly wondering what she would look like, and sound like. At my last appointment she still wasn’t making any progress so we scheduled a c-section for the next Tuesday, January 13th… and at 7:41am the most beautiful baby girl graced us so sweetly with a gentle cry that was a beautiful noise to my ears.

We went in at 6am Tuesday morning and would you believe we were on time. This experience was much different than the last. We sat in the waiting room briefly before they took me back to the room to prep me for surgery. To much surprise I wasn’t nervous at all but just really excited to meet Emersyn and to not be pregnant anymore! Jennifer was the nurse that prepped me for the c-section (which if you read Elijah’s birth story it is the same Jennifer who prepped me for his arrival) so it was comforting knowing she was going to take good care of us and keep me at ease with her humor… which she did 🙂 After a quick visit with Mom and seeing all the doctors that would be assisting they escorted me back to the tundra (always so cold in operating rooms!). I had such a peace as the nurses prepped everything, put in my spinal (which isn’t that bad believe it or not… the bee sting feeling of the pain medicine prior is really the worst part) and had early morning conversation about life. They laid me on the table before my legs went numb, put on some music to my request (again- see Elijah’s birth story) and turned the bright lights on as we went in to get my sweet girl. She had turned transverse and wasn’t expected to be pulled from her comfort zone 🙂

Cliff arrived and sat with me as they made the incision and moved my guts around. Small talk and twenty or so minutes later our angel was here. She was small, only 7lbs, 15 oz and 20 inches long, dark fuzzy hair and the most gentle cry you’ve ever heard. She looked just like Elijah, but smaller. Our world, again, forever changed. There is nothing more precious than birthing a baby. It’s such a miracle.

I wasn’t in recovery very long before I was sent to my room to be reunited with Cliff, Elijah and our sweet girl. I had such anxiety about leaving Elijah. He wasn’t my old child anymore. I didn’t have any hesitation about him being cared for while I was away but I just missed him so much and hadn’t been away from him but a few hours. The realization in that moment that God had been so faithful to me was overwhelming. Eljiah knew that “sissy” was in Mommy’s belly but the moment he saw her and immediately kissed her newborn face melted my heart like never before. What sweet children my gracious God has given me to raise.

Our hospital stay was just a few short days and we in the car, with both of our children crying in the back and Cliff and I crying tears of joy, as we headed home. We had so many people take care of us and love on us the following weeks that I couldn’t thank enough. From visits from those we love, to delicious meals so we wouldn’t have to worry about cooking, thoughtful gifts, etc. it made the adjustment being back home so much more easier and pleasant.

We had such a great time at the beach! Elijah decided he loved Hilton Head so much that we didn’t want to waste time sleeping so we spent some early mornings walking or hanging on the beach as a family of three, almost four so the others could sleep in a bit 😉 We also had our two bottom teeth break through this week… at the same time!

Today was Daddy’s 27th birthday 🙂

After a day or so of being with the family, we couldn’t help but reveal the big news! Of course we put him in his onesie and Cliff and I took off to the beach while Grams and Big G staying in with the little man. Needless to say, after a few minutes we get a text from them asking if this shirt was a hand-me-down!

Here is a few pictures of our nightly outings. My baby shoogs is such a people watcher so of course he didn’t mind the crowd anywhere!

And we wouldn’t have completed our vacation without a photo shoot! Elijah is just shy of 7 months and couldn’t be more adorable…

This precious soul is 6 months old…

He weighed 20lbs 4oz at our 6 month check up.

29.5 inches long! He’s going to be tall like his daddy.

A lot of fun things happening in our house with a 6 month old… like bath time 🙂

Father’s Day was special. Cliff and I took advantage of some much needed time spent alone doing what we love!

The last week of June we spent on vacation with the family in Hilton Head Island, SC. Cliff and I decided to do a Crossfit competition with our friends from the box before relaxing for the week and it was a hot, intense day!

Went spent an entire 10 days at the beach with a 6 month old. Elijah wasn’t quite sure what to make of all the sand and the ocean. We also decided we wanted to get our bottom two teeth this week too! But that wasn’t anything the pool couldn’t fix. This boy loves to swim!

His very first time at the beach, June 21st, 2014.

Where in the world has time gone? Let’s recap: Elijah at 5 months old and oh so happy… as always!                                                             I’m so thankful that I get to spend my days with this little guy. He’s growing so fast. We just started eating some baby foods and we can’t eat fast enough! We love to roll everywhere and sit up for moments at a time but we are getting stronger! We love bath time, our walker and the dog!

My sweet boy was dedicated on Mother’s Day. What a precious day it was… A great morning at church with our entire family, lunch at our house and an evening at the canal.                                

Hebrews 12- “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our EYES ON JESUS the CHAMPION who initiates and perfects our FAITH. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”

God’s so faithful. Easter weekend my heart and mind dwelled on the love that Christ has for us as his children that his give His life. As a mother, without question, I would sacrifice the same.

Elijah is one beautiful baby. Being his mother, by far, is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Nobody can prepare you or tell you, you must experience it to know this love. I love watching him grow and get stronger. I love watching him sleep and feeling him breath as he dreams. I love counting his little fingers and toes with him as he giggles because he has no idea what I’m saying yet. I love walking in his room in the mornings and seeing the look on his face when he sees me- its complete joy to my soul and makes my cup run over. I love his sweet, bashful smiles for absolutely no reason. I love that I have a happy baby and that my heart is so full. He looks like his Daddy in so many ways and I love it. The two I love the most are just alike 🙂

He weighs 17.1lbs.

He is 25.25 inches long.

His bottom two teeth are trying to break through.

Rolling over is now making us mobile.

Standing up tall (with our help of course) makes us happy.

Nap time is always out of the question.

Sleeping 12 hours at night has been easy.

Eating rice cereal in our bottle and have tasted some bananas and love them!

We love hearing music and listening to Daddy sing!

Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus Elijah Stewart…. I can’t wait to see the plan God has for your life!